an addition

hmm...

remember the dilema i posted a while ago, about person a, b and c??

well its been resolved. i decided to keep firmly schtum in the case of person b, and well....
um.. person c is called ben and we kinda got together last saturday night/sunday morning...
it wasnt how Thomas described, well kinda but the actual "event" happened in privacy... and i did very little to facilitate anything.... spent the evening together with hendryx and some other friends and then ben and i wandered outside before the others made their exits where well.... the story can be told if requested i guess, but i dont want to sound soppy or anything...  although i would like to dispel any rumours that he is a swedish midget right now.

anyway *blushes* thats all i have to say about that

 

lifes a funny thing

stuff is finished now which is noce in terms of the house, but i am knackered. doing a 41 hour week this week. also feel i may have gotten myself into a bit of a sitch with work already.... remember i almost lost my job a while ago (on a side note got the official offer today)...?well today i ended up looking after that child again on a one to one basis as the SNIP worker looking after them was absolutely pants.... the bosses have asked if id officially do the one to one so they dont have to get any more SNIP workers in... a difficult situation may arise out of this. i dont really care either way, because the worst that will come out of this i think is that the parent will object seriously, but that i think im right in saying isnt my problem.. im just doing as im told.dunno.
todya has been really pants to be fair workwise- had a brilliant laugh on the one hand- we put salt in steves tea for telling us *he'd* actually done some work when in fact Paul had done it which was priceless, and then as staff we get on well, but the kids were awful... one decided to have a temper tantrum all the way through the bowling trip and did nothing but cry and scream for the entire hour and a bit.... then there was the above thing with the SNIP worker, and also the question of the REALLY NAUGHTY boy whom i had the pleasure of dealing with.... ack. im bald now i swear.

anyhow... had a nice tea last night. whats left of the crumble i made will be tonights food as i cant be arsed to do owt else and im going to try to rearrange my room before falling asleep. still its better than yesterday which saw me not stay at home due to the mess that was there. the night away did some good though i think, and made coming home this evening even better. anyhow.... someone talk to me......... im bored!!! (not moving furniture till i feel a little stronger ie ive eaten)

hoping to get my room sorted anyhow. i fear i may have to await the help of someone who is strong to help (and everyone is away for now) ah well, at least my bed is usable tonight.... mmmm bed......................................................

(i think the stupid amount of work, the heat, the caffiene and the paint smell are getting to me)

finally some news.

had a phone call from the doctors surgery this morning.
the consultant at the hospital wants my bloods checking. its starting again. i knew that this would happen but id kind of shoved it to the back of mind with the vague knowledge existing there that, someday, id once again have to come back to this hurdle, and face whatever is to come. it looks like sometime during the next three months i will learn what course my life is to take next, whether or not the hospital managed to stop the onslaught of the unspeakable things, what i can expect from all of this.
i don't mind admitting that im scared about this. i have learned that fear is not the weakness i once considered it to be.it is possible to harness fear and to use it as an aid, but i don't want to. I want to know what is, and what isn't. i don't want to give myself false hope, and i don't want to be overly pessimistic. It's a fine line to tread, and im not so sure that i can tread it. I do know however that i have more of an idea this time. more of an idea about what to expect to happen, more of an idea about what ill do in x circumstance and what i'll do in y circumstance. i also know what is a good way to react and what is a bad way to react. cutting myself off from everything and everyone is not a good way to react and i must fight that with all of my strength, or cave in to myself and silently implode. even though i know all of this in my head, it is no longer my head that dominates my reactions, there is another part of me, one that is more primal and instinctive that does that for me now, it is not tangiable or describable. it just is.

at this moment in time i am torn between two extremes and im not sure which side will win.

philosophosizing

as you may have been able to differentiate from my recent posts, ive been having a bit of an up/down time of it at the moment... which is proving interesting....

looking back though.... following an absolutely horrendous couple of days, ive had one of the best weeks of the last few YEARS.... which while fantastic, may well mean im about to have a huge dive which isnt so good...but it will be copable with i think... i just need to really make the effort not to just lock myself in my room... which is a huge temptation...making new friends has been cool, as was the trip to london yesterday. im kinda hoping that ill be able to look back on this week and say that life doesnt ALWAYS kick you hard in the teeth... even though it seems to sometimes, and i havent had the best of deals so far...
but yeah, the question is where do i go from here.... i dont WANT the anti-climax- i know it will happen, for one cannot delay things indefinately, but still....
ack... im just being a little philosophical.... where some baileys when you need it eh? ;-)

i would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone involved in the last week for making it what it was - im sure you all know who you are... so thank you - a big hug for each of you :)

sara

the longawaited journey...

okay, firstly hello.

yesterday was awesome.
just have to bore you all and go through it... ;-)

so i woke up at 8am when my alarm went off and then went back to sleep, getting up again at 8.40 to hear jack about to make tea, so went and scared him with a stealth hug and requested that he make me a cup of tea, and then even managed to pursuade him to put milk on my weetabix (yup i had breakfast for once) in 5 mins as id be in the shower for approximately that length of time,
now my showering time has dramatically reduced since the eye incident, so a v. quick shower was had and then wandered downstairs to find a cup of tea and breakfast ready and waiting, which to be fair was an excellent start to the day.
i then scared the decorator, as i'd told him the day before that id be in london all day wednesday when trying to establish whether or not id need to move stuff tuesday night... (then answer was not) and i was still here, so i explained i was being collected so that was okay too. at 9.15 i made another cup of tea as i had forgotten to take my blue pill with the first... :S and i needed the caffiene too... anyhow, drank the scalding tea with the pill (ouch) and we set off.... i did fairly well- the pill kicked in around an hour into the journey and i only fell asleep for 10-15 minutes (stupid side effects) although in that 10 minutes or so we seemed to have killed several bugs on the windscreen....
We arrived in High Wycombe and parked at around 12.30ish and arrived at the station and bought the tickets with 4 minutes till the next train and arrived at the platform with 30s to go- which is what you get when 2 people with great timing skills are travelling ;-).
Anyhoo arrived into Marylebone station, which to be honest i wasnt impressed with and dont see why it made the Monopoly board game at all.... but hey, and headed for picadilly circus on a not very packed tube which was good, as i have severe issues with those things (well more the number of people on those things). Found our bearings and headed for Queen's theatre to get tickets for the first show of the day- Les Miserables. then it was to mc Deathtrap for lunch, which i have to say the salad isnt too terrible.... and on to the show.
Having seen Les Mis when it came to Sheffield a few years ago, it was both better and worse than that. i really enjoyed seeing it in its 'home' and overall the standard of the company was good. There were one or two characters i was less than impressed with, although to balance that there were also a couple i was blown away with... I love the story and do intend to read the book at some point.... but it was great to see again....
then we had an hour to spare so went to soundcontrol in the basement of Virgin Megastore to look at guitar kit and stuff...and then had a drinks stop and headed to the dominion Theatre for the second show...
Since this had been a possibility i had successfully managed to completely disassociate myself from anything that might have let me in on the plot, so i had no idea what to expect with 'We Will Rock You'. I had heard a couple of reviews which were mixed so no giveaways there, but i have to say i was very impressed.... the plot could have been slightly less predictable, but in its defence i work out plot too easily sometimes... i was very impressed with the standard of the show. Its definately a next generation musical, with the inclusions of videoscreens and high-tech effects, which was a completely welcome contrast to the period style of Les Mis, but overall the standard of the people were awesome. i couldnt really find any fault with the band at all, the only complaint i could have possibly made was that i found the vocals unbalanced with the music, but thats entirely because we were sat on the front row so no possible right to. As for the main characters, they really put everything into it, and for that i salute them!
At the end we began our journey home, jumpin on a train back to High Wycombe and then driving back, i am sorry to report that i was a bit of a wuss and did fall asleep with the best of intentions to have not done, but never mind. We arrived back to mine at 2.15ish and i handed Jelalucia over to her new owner, and i climbed into bed a very happy bunny, if a little sad that such a good day had to end.

sittin on the dock of the bay...

im just wasting a little bit of time between the meeting i just had with rich r and getting to rich green's for visity type things.
im bored to tell the truth... the house will be great but right now it smells of paint, the lack of carpets on the stairs is a little irritating and ive walked into like every door and wall in the house.... as to the why i will tell you now, as it will pass the time.
 
the great blinding incident.
 
so yesterday morning i got up at around 10amish having got in at 6.15am and after a little while went in the shower which is a nice thing to do when you smell ;-)
anyhow, i was in the shower and id put some lemon shower gel onto my bath scrunchie and began to wash and then in a 'freak accident' a large blob of shower gel flew from the scrunchie straight into my right eye. the pain was excrutiating to the point that i fell out of the shower in the (scuse the pun) blind panic to get a towel to remove it as this was worse than any shampoo id ever gotten in my eye..  having gotten the towel it had no effect and i was actually quite panicky as i definately couldnt see. regained a little bit of sense and immediately ran the sink with cool water to flush my eye out... this had no effect and the burning was so intense, i kept doing it and then realised that as long as my eye was shut the pain was bearable so finished washing my hair and stuff and spent 20 minutes continually flushing my eye out.
i did get the gel out, but i couldnt see, and it hurt. went upstairs to chat to hendryx, who immediately noticed as it looked like i was crying and confirmed it. around an hour later i rang my dad as it had started producing nasty stuff who said i should go to the hospital but no chance, so i left it.... after 6 hours i could see three of everythign out of one eye, and since then, its gotten less and im still kind of on double vision but the worst thign is that everything is blurry and i still have no peripheral vision in my right eye, which means that my spacial awareness is shot to buggery and back, and as a result i keep hitting things accidentally...
 
anyhow, thats filled the time nicely.. maybe next time ill tell of the mauri warpaint- in UV... :D
 
but for now... i will see you when i return from the capital.
sara
 

so i see that no-one has made any comment at all about my questions or anything... this is fair enough...

if you would like something more interesting to read however then go here.

sara

so how about a real post?

reading back the last post it all sounds horribly fake.

so we'll go with a boring update...

house.
today the men came back. i now have a canvas wardrobe in my room... .its bright blue. its weird.i always wanted something like that in my old room - mainly as i had an alcove so it would have been a practical use of space, however now that i have one... im not so sure about them. ill also be getting a huge desk, a chest of drawers and a 3/4 bed... having new furniture will be nice as ive NEVER had all new furniture in a room of mine before... but im not so sure its going to fit very well. my room is a slightly odd shape and unless the bed is not too much wider than a normal single (theres about a foot) im not sure i can fit everything in and still have space. like a nice space. im sure something can be sorted once everything is in the room though and i can see it better. [ addition - we rescued one of the old chairs from the skip pile earlier - i think it should go in the dungeon. great place to go hide in and read by candle light or something equally damaging..]

housemates.
people seem to be settling in nicely, the weird power struggle that seemed to be going on has kind of died down... i cant really describe it but it was slightly weird..
sometimes i forget just how well hendryx can read me at times which is going to make for an interesting year i think but will possibly be a good thing over all.
my space issue is kinda getting to be respected which is nice.. i think im also beginning to differentiate between some things as well... which should prove useful.

job.
work is an interesting one. interview tomorrow. guess ill be able to evaluate more then - if i still have a job.

friends.
theres an interesting quandry. met people in the last week or so. as much as it pains me to say it maybe i cant make two of the claims i have done previously as the grounds on which i have made them seem to have slipped. on the other hand... chris butt seems to have disappeared off the face of the planet... jack is busy with rosie, paul i dont seem to get on too well with at the moment... and just in general i seem to be fighting a lot. not entirely sure why but not to worry- there'll be some reason, the fact that i know not what is a minor detail.

family.
grandparents in spain have been burgled...over a grands worth of stuff missing, like the digital cameral, digital camcorder (both of which held some severely retarded footage of me over there... so in a very twisted ironic way im glad it will never see the shores of the UK)
parents are same as ever...
sister is an interesting one. i can cope with the fact that she's spoilt rotten and gets to do all the things i was never allowed to etc... (not wishing to dound bitter or anythign) but im not so happy that in the thick of things i was never allowed to miss school or anything because of it all, whereas my sister is... and the stuff she's getting is normal everyday stuff now... it sounds like a really petty complaint but its just an observation on my part...

me.
um... not doing too good right now... im looking forwards to going to London next wednesday to 'experience the West End' though... one more thing i can cross off on my to-do list.... only got a couple of things left. - visit canada/newzealand, inspire someone, go camping with people for no real reason/purpose other than it can be done. other than that, abbie is coming up at the end of july,

ive also decided that i need to talk less... its a really bad habit that i seem to have developed around six months ago. either that or change the way i operate from having 3 or four friends whom i talk to a lot to having lots of acquaintances whom i dont really talk to. i know im not the easiest person to get on with and stuff but occasionally i do stop and think about the other persons viewpoint and i seem to end up talking an awful lot. its proably not such a good thing anyways... i dunno there really but nah. it probably is a good thing. i probably need to get more friends anyhow... and i think that going back to virtual(not in a geeky net sense, but almost total kind of way) silence would probably not be the best of plans... will have to think about that one a bit more i think.

music.
not feeling too inspired at the moment i must say. the fact that the album idea seems to have imploded hasnt helped things too much...there cause its the whole backlash of being geared up to do somethign which then falls through. dont feel inspired to write anything. the few times ive actually seriously tried to do anything musical over the last couple of weeks its had a bizzarre effect as well so ...

i think thats it... all the major type things done...
so for those of you who were wondering... hope that gives you something to talk about.

sara

bar stewards

there was no postage here yesterday. there was never going to be in all honesty, but the daY I HAD planned out was, in actuality completely different to the day that happened.
i got up later than i had planned to, which was fair enough, however had apparently managed to sleep through the landlady arriving and banging on doors to get the message that the refurbishment type situation thing was about to kick off, so that was fair enough. by lunchtime we had no furniture left.so once again my life is in boxes, just this time not going anywhere. at 2.30 the decorator arrived. because we didnt know what his plans were we had moved all the contents of the rooms to the middle to allow for painting. in the meantime, Hendryx, who had gone to town had rung with the news that Thomas would be returning with him. Another person for tea, thats fine, but it meant i needed to go find more meat for my intended dish of the day. As it happened the decorator started on Rosie's room, so i was free to move my stuff back from the middle thus making at least one room in the house (still having my bed for now) usable in a social kind of way. The men who have been doing the clearing out/general stuff were amazingly thoughtful, and put up the swivel chairs we were getting so we had some seats, which was good. Anyhow, shortly after the decorator arrived i took Thomas down to Cool Extreme on Infirmary Road as he wanted to look around, and then we wandered onto Safeways where i ended up buying pudding cause i was too tired to cook both main meal and dessert after moving all my stuff around, and bought some more meat, a bottle of wine as well as some yop, and chocolate buttons (which have since disappeared) and bussed it back up. Got back around 4.15ish which meant that i had to get a move on with tea as people were arriving at 6.30pm, and there was lots to do. A message from Stephen arrived to say that Mike wouldnt be coming meant that my worry that there might not be enough food for the 7 of us were subdued as there would only be 6 of us...
Anyhow, made 2 hotpots - both the same, and this being the second time ive made it i think it was better than last time.
At 6.30 promptly Stephen and
Richard arrived to make our party complete. most people opted for alabama fudge cake and ice cream for pudding. i however, didnt, not especially liking chocolate so had rhubarb crumble instead, courtesy of Morrisons/Safeways, which wasnt as nice as mine but i cant complain as i couldnt be arsed.
the lack of furniture wasn't a problem, and "interesting" conversation was never far away.... so all in all a vaguely successful evening i felt. then everyone disappeared for a bit, as Rosie went to Jacks, and Hendryx went too,Stephen and Richard went home, i mosied around the house and Thomas played Unreal Tournament.
This morning was an early start for me... up at 8, as the people were returning then, and the Bt man was coming to fit the phone line but thats now happening on saturday grrr.....
didnt want to be stuck in the house so left with Hendryx and Thomas, and i went to meadowhell of all places. Really dont know why- must have felt the need for self torture or something..... just wandered around there for a little while, grabbed a sandwich as eating at some point during the day woudl have been prudent and then trammed it back to here, where it had proceeded to pee it down so figured id come in and wait for it to stop. ill probably head home in a bit and go to bed or something.
have to be relatively sharp tomorrow.... work have finally sorted out an interview. am not looking forwards to it to be honest. supposed to be getting paid today as well.... july is going to be a barren month me feels. havent been called into work once yet this month. ack.

how was that for an uninteresting boring post?

at the end of the day we're another day older....thats all you can say

this afternoon as ive been playing around in html randomly and half listening to some PC training given to teachers on an INSET day, apart from the despair at hearing several teachers having problems with cut and paste and copy commands - people who you would expect to be computer literate too.... ive been taking stock of a few things.

i should probably be giving some of what i may say below some more thought or at least phrasing it in a way that is less ominous or harsh but the point of this post would be defeated kind of...

the first thing i began to think about was my defensiveness. in the past ive tended to be a passively defensive person who would only become aggressive when pushed over the (very large) limit.
Recently, however, i seem to have made the shift from passive to aggressive defense. in some ways this is possibly a good thing, on the one hand it may be claimed that ive finally decided to stand up and be counted and all the rest of the bullshit i was told in the thick of things like "never run away from someone who hits you" and "if you get hit make sure you hit harder" etc etc
its possibly a less than positive thing however as it then means that i dont differentiate between who is a 'friend' and who is an 'enemy'. (this in itself could prove to be advantageous as the consequences of that would mean stuff... not wishing to get ahead of myself though.)

a lot of people have always chastised me for not standing up/speaking out about stuff but they always forget one vital thing, and that is that i was never allowed to have an opinoin and when i was it made not one modicum of difference to anythign.
on the flip side of that though... one of the questions i have to ask myself at the moment is "stand up for what?"
i have no faith in people.... have faith there and you get screwed over and tossed up like an old beached carcass. true i have this stupid little grain of hope that refuses to go away and seems to be what gets me in so much trouble.
i have no faith in systems or processes. they have too many loopholes and failings and take so long.
i have no faith in myself. if there was any reason for that i wouldnt be in the position i am at the moment or indeed many of the positions ive ended up in before.
i have no faith in truth or love conquering all - to mix my metaphors. there isnt enough love in the world and the thing that no-one else seems ot understand is that truth is subjective. im not talking about facts- which are only proven under a specific set of circumstances or certainty here- and anyhow there is only one certainty in life and that is its cessation- also a lot of the time truth is experiential and this can mean that what may be percieved as truth by one person is actually so far removed from another persons experiences of the same 'truth' that it in fact would be impossible for that particular idea/concept etc to be truth for the second person.- a confusing concept to explain but clarification can be given if required.

im playing a dangerous controversial game here and treading on thin ice, and i dont mind being disproven, or swayed onto different ground if its possible to be....

another thing ive been musing over is my reactions to things. lets not beat about the bush- theyre less than desirable a lot of the time. im not sure which id rather have, unpredictable, sometimes less than desirable reactions or none at all.
having done both there are disadvantages and advantages to both for both sides. im not going to list the different ones because that would be sheer folly...

there are probably one or two people sat reading this who are banging their heads against the screen because they either know that i could quite happily sit down and reel off the ideal responses to all of the questions raised here, or because theyve told me the 'answers' and it just. wont. sink. IN!

my response to that is are you sure that the "answers" are right?
today i am not so sure that i agree with things that i previously did. i dont want anyone reading this to freak out - to some extent im just flexing my philosophical muscles and to another i am questioning things but surely thats okay cause everyone does it?, or maybe it isnt because there might actually be somehting outside of the system that we are pigeonholed into that someone doesnt want us to know, or more likely that no-one can face being realised.

a few more thoughts on the whole idea of truth - getting away from fact here - ie - today i am wearing blue and black stripey socks - which can be proven, but im talking more ethereal/transcendental/experiential truth - the stuff that may or may not be proven.

what is 'truth' if no-one believes it?
if a lie is believed does it then become a truth?
is the power of truth contained wholly in the belief of it?
who decides what is truth and what is a lie?


to sum up i think even i can see that my head is pretty screwed up in general at the moment... i dont seem to be able to find a constant or some bearings to get to a constant so im just going to sift through until i either find something to use, develop a new thing, or just go plain crazy. any of these are possible.

feel free to comment or debate away. i havent managed to be controversial yet, though that isnt why i have said any of this at all... and you never know it might genuinely help.

change of pace.

im back to the dark.
think its better. maybe its just my mood.
anyhow. if i can get the links and stuff back before i get kicked out fair enough, if not it will have to wait.

on the plus side im relearning how to channel, and this post should set the template back to rights as the pictures should be gone now.


we will have a phone line again on thursday and broadband soon after so i can get back to my non existence at home instead of uni. leaving the house takes up too much money ive decided. the last three days ive ended up spending 30 quid.... yesterday i ended up feeling very sick. bought some phish food which i ate half of and was then "helped" with by hendryx - for that read hendryx ate it ;-) which was fine. watched spiderman, and played worms..

ive screwed up one of my msn accounts as well... manage to transfer everyone across...
trying to get it sorted now...


[update] its sorted... if im still appearing though can you let the clumsy mofe ie me, know. thank you.

found a song to describe stuff... some of it.

Cunning, Baffling, Powerful
Been beaten to a pulp
Vigorous, Irresistable
Sick and tired and laid low
Dominating, Invisible
Black-out, loss of control
Overwhelming, Unquenchable
I'm powerless, have to let go

I can't escape it
It leaves me frail and worn
Can no longer take it
Senses tattered and torn

Hopeless surrender
Obsession's got me beat
Losing the will to live
Admitting complete defeat

Fatal Descent
Spinning around
I've gone too far
To turn back round

Desperate attempt
Stop the progression
At any length
Lift this obsession

Crawling to my glass prison
A place where no one knows
My secret lonely world begins

So much safer here
A place where I can go
To forget about my daily sins

Life here in my glass prison
A place I once called home
Fall in nocturnal bliss again

Chasing a long lost friend
I no longer can control
Just waiting for this hopelessness to end

valuations let downs and general mumblings.

so today i ended up going out depite not wishing to.
mum rang me to say i had mailand she was heading into town, so i walked down to collect it and then went to the post office and then remembered to go into foxes where i got a price on my guitar.... also started pricing up keyboards with general MIDI out... can get one that will do what i need it to for 150 quid, which would be great if i had it... hehe... i can wait though. apparently ill get more for my guitar if i sell it privately than to a shop so i might try selling it on ebay or something. all i want is enough to fix my broken expensive acoustic... been quoted no more than 120 quid to fix it. could be as little as 30... but i cant get it fixed till i know i can cover it. (if any one is interested in buying it then let me know....its a metallic blue yamaha rgx121-sm standard trem, setup is humbucker-single coil-humbucker in terms of pickup, virtually mint)
anyhow, i then ended up wandering up here to try to sort out the tickets for getting to weymouth on the 2nd aug. i dont have the money for that looking at these prices.. gonna have to go to the train station by the look of it to see if i can get one thats less than 60 quid each way... :S if its gonna cost that ill bloody pay the petrol for someone to drive. just checked coach. 10 hours each way £42.50 so yeah thats gonna be an interesting one.

the only other thing i have to report, other than my sister has really short hair now... is that it looks like the albumy type stuff wont be going ahead yet/if at all which is a bummer. due to the pianist/recording equipment owner being unreliable and awol. its a shame cause i wanted to get it done.kinda then defeats the point in writing anythign new.

ack... abbie is so not gonna be happy.

ah well... i think that today im going to just go home and play some guitar... ive left it alone since i got it back and played a little and, to be honest, sucked. i should probably keep up with it specially with my random wonderings this morning as to whether or not trying to attempt to earn some moolah with it would be an avenue worth exploring, after all i have spent close to a grand in equipment, instuments, and music and stuff in order to actually do something worthwhile with this so called skill i have.

wonder how much id get for my flute....

sara

i want ice cream

last night was an interesting one. having been for want of a better description a complete bitch i then topped off the evening after apologising to those concerned with a conversation with abbie, who told me an interesting fact about her intruder from saturday night. anyway after a good hour of complaining at each other- her side was mainly the intruder and wedding jitters... mine was more serious i then proceeded to hang up the phone and burst into tears and ended up crying myself to sleep.... which meant i felt COMPLETELY wrecked this morning, although yesterdays visit to the parents saw me get drugs which have helped the hay fevery things ie. i can speak properly again.
seems i can cook again, made pasta for myself jack and rosie, completely from scratch at lunchtime, cheesy for jack, and bacon and cheesy for me and rosie. then i tagged on into town with them, spent over an hour in forbidden planet, bought me a graphic novel and then called here to check all those emails i dont got and update this... i dont really have anything to update thats positive in anyway today other than the pasta success and the book (which i dont have the money to buy really but i dont care)
this evening i may spend in the same way as the last one, except i may eat ice cream for tea and feel ill afterwards, and if i can find the stuff for it i may start on my yu-gi-oh character my sister wanted after seeing my manga attempt... such is life i guess. alternatively i could go and roll around in a field or something. there was actually going to be a point to this post but i already forgot what it is....
ack.
abbie made me the tempting offer of disappearing to weymouth for a bit... its actually tempting gonna see how much it would cost, although i cant really do it till i go down on the 2nd august with her which may be too late.
it seems my sign is working on my door... possibly too well, but thats better....

oh yeah that what was what i was going to say...
last night i worked out why i always manage to get myself into such stupid situations. i have too much hope in the world in general and actually begin to care occasionally. i dont know why that never disappeared with all the rest of it but it didnt/doesnt and then i hit these stupid points.

being kicked out now.

probably a good thing.

living someone elses life.

a long time ago i used to hear all of these stories from the "popular" people at school about their parties and the kinds of things they did, and while on the one hand i really wasnt interested at all by any of it, on the other there was always a small element of curiosity...
not such a long time ago, i went through a period of time- around three months- where i watched my life being lived out and i had no say in what happened. that was interesting....
the last few days ive had almost the opposite happening. ive ended up randomly meeting a lot of people this week, and having decided to make a special effort since moving with regards to beign sociable anyhow found myself determined to stick to that with the added extras i wasnt expecting. on top of that, things have happened that i REALLY didnt think would happen in a long time, let alone in the space of just over a week.
As a result..... ive been drunk three nights in a short space of time... ended up with some interesting things happening then...come to a few conclusions. thursday and friday were horrible.. just ended up getting so wound up.... saturday saw a shift in the balance. a long conversation with abbie saw to that. experienced true ambivalence for the first time in an awful long time during that which was very odd. generally felt a bit better though which was what led to me ending up going out last night.
the less said there the better i think.

the main conclusion i have to draw from that is that i am a social outcast and actually i dont think i can handle being anything else. call me stubborn or whatever you like for saying that but itstrue.
every so often i poke my head out to see whether anything has changed, and then it comes back in. i have tried. ive tried hard the last few months with a lot of things, and right now it feels like ive let a lot of people down. all i can say to that is im sorry.
theres a lot i could say to a lot of people right now, but what right do i have to do that?

i know this post is almost seeming like ive backtracked over the steps forward ive taken over the last couple of months (at least ive been told i have... it certainly doesnt feel like it to me)- maybe i have... but right now i dont really care that much need to step back from the battlefront, survey my wounds, find a hug and a hot chocolate, and work out just what is the point.

over the next week i think ill be probably be in hiding like on friday, except for wednesday, which is doable. i think i can cope with slaving over the kitchen for a while to feed people. possibility of goign bowling in the morning... but thats three days away yet.
supposed to be the staff night out at work next week too, but im not going. would also be nice if they actually gave me some work... but thats another thing for another time.

a dilemma....

ok. this is the first of two posts.
there is now a lot less point to this than there was recently but still dont know what to do.
have sat on some of what im going to say for a while now and some is very recent.
lets have some background first.
me and guys. okay well... i dont think they mix. there are very few people that i have liked over time in fact there are four... (lets not beat around the bush) the first showed possible potential and led me a merry dance before retracting everything that had been said and giving a bit of a revelation, which directly led to me and scott happening.
refusing to listen to anyone elses point of view with that it all ended very horribly and that was it for two years pretty much. The second person was not interested at all. made obvious by the shit that was stirred about me i later found out about. the third(at the start of this year) i was very hesitant about which led to him deciding that he wanted to be 'good friends'.the fourth... we'll discuss in a little while. all of these situations were messes. those who have known me for a while know exactly how set i was against the possibility of me ever getting married, and you may also know that i did a u-turn on that perspective and i really dont understand why, or how that happened,but the thing i have to live with is that i did. the next thing to mention is that ive never been 'on a date' and i cant cope with the idea of randomly pulling someone i didnt know. which means that every person i have fallen for ivegotten to know, which can have its own problems, but thats my own thing and it might possibly have a chance of succeeding if i didnt have such a low meeting people rate.
anyhow. i think that is all of the background.

so person A likes person B. Person A and person B are friends(or at least arent complete strangers) person A is pretty sure that person B has shown no interest whatsoever, and probably wont, but still really likes them. thats okay. then added into the equation is person C. Person C may like person A and person A doesnt know person C very well yet.
The question is, or what it boils down to is what does person A do?


long winded way of explaining it i know... but hey.
the thing totake into consideration with all of this is that while a lot of my opinions have changed, i would rather have person B (yeah im person A in case you didnt know) as a friend and never say anything than put an obstacle in the way of that. basically... im not a risk taker.

it has been suggested to me, by more than one person that i should just talk to person B. it has also been said to me that even if person B isnt interested if that then becomes an issue then the friendship isnt necessarily the best thing to have(or words to that effect... it was better phrased before) thats all well and good, but ill never do that. id also like to point out that im not acquainted with person B because i like them, but because we're acquainted. i may be going around in circles here,but im just really disillusioned with the whole thing. in some ways id much rather just not be interested at all. ive mentioned becoming a nun before, and people may think im joking, but actually im not.... ack. the other thing is actually.... id rather never know than know that it isnt. which may sound cowardly, but...
its all stupid and plaguing me way more than i would like.

it diesnt help that things are moving forwards with abbies wedding, and im having to get more involved and active with it.
thinking about that makes me think about my own and at the moment i can actually see the possibility of it happening. but the person i could see it happening with...isnt a possibility.

ack . the whole thing is just torture and i dotn see why we should be strung through it.
its not like i ask for much. a nice caring guy who will be faithful.

im shutting up nowcause im just starting to get mad with it.

today started so well....

in case anyone actually reads this one still... i *do* actually post different things on the two.

well lets go back to yesterday. went down to philly to meet up with rich robinson, which was the usual, and i got absolutely soaked on my way there which instantly made me feel a lot worse than i was previously. from there it was to UGC to meet Richard to go and see the day after tomorrow and Shrek2. the first film, was, as i had pretty much been expecting (and told.... again)
to be a complete CGI fest. there were a few things i was quite impressed with though. Firstly the soundtrack - i didnt recognise the name of the composer who did the score, but i thought the underscoring was fantastic, and was a fantastic example of how it should be done. (doing film music studies as an a level option was actually the one bit of that i a level i enjoyed). The second thing was small but meant a lot. It was the point where you saw a tornado form, and it was formed correctly (one big thing i had against twister- other than it sucked was that theyd supposedly done research into tornados and didnt even show its formation correctly) which was good to see. The third, was even though it was a little lacking on hard plot, i liked the way that it also looked at the big picture a lot and there was focus upon characters that had nothing to do with the storyline other than being in the scene or the background, but in being there took the attention off the small onto the big, and also the thought of the writers in their inclusion later in the film tying it all together nicely, for example there, the policeman/security guard from the library.
Shrek2 i really enjoyed. despite being hidden under my big jumper and wearing my hat, cause i was frozen it was great. it had the mix of subtle and obvious jokes which contributed to the greatness of Shrek, and the more disney you know the more jokes there were, as well as some other fantastic bits. one thing that i was quite shocked by that they managed to include a couple of the lyrics and lines in the film that they did, which were still funny but not exactly a 'U' rating... hehe.
the evening was followed with giant kebabs.

today i was awakened by my phone beeping me, with some good news so that was why the day started so well...it didnt continue that way though. am not in the best of moods, which is probably why theres a huge ramble happening... should stop me feeling so squished anyhow. there is no real reason why i feel like i do, other than i do.... hmm...
i decided i needed to get out of the house as i was being driven mad, which after only one week of living there sounds like it could make to be an interesting year, however i can rationalise that one. i hate being asked if im ok when i am/have been ill, which was taking place as well as other stuff that occasionally irritates... but yeah. had been cooped up enough, so set out to take my film in to town. id also decided to call into foxes to pick up a couple of picks, and get a price on a guitar (more about that in a bit). had lunch at FOB as i really fancied a panini, so paid my money and waited for that and the cappucino i had ordered. the panini arrived with salad, and colslaw and crisps - like a proper meal which i totally wasnt expecting.... after that i had a little time left before i could go get my photos so was goign to go up and wander round wargames emporium for a little while before realising there was a primary school orchestra set up in orchard square. NO THANK YOU. so then i started to wander down towards the moor to call in all the shops selling pc games, and then reached the one just past the peace gardens on the left hand side before telling myself not to spend any more money until i get the money for the kitchen stuff ive bought back, so didnt go in any shops and collected my photos, jumped on a bus to get here, and DIDNT go to foxes.

bloody typical.

So not completely bad in terms of happenings i think you'll agree... but didnt nothing to return me to bouncy.

have learned a couple of things/drawn conclusions too.

the first is that i am CRAP with a real camera. unless im taking pictures for someone else. my holiday photos are okay.... nothing spectactular. conversely though i am quite good with a digital camera which is interesting seeing as i dont own one and very rarely use them.... ah well.

the second is that im still no social bunny.
over the last week, quite accidentally, ive ended up meeting lots of people (mainly hendryx' friends) which is okay but an awful lot of things i never expected to happen have happened this week (and you may be able to think of one or two things if youve seen me/spoken to me but NON-ONE knows the half of it) so now im just wanting to hide. to sum this up im not ready for the world, and i dont think its ready for me either (i know on the other blog its the other way round but that is more generic)

the third is that ill never listen to my own advice.
im currently in a dilemma with something that i have been asked abotu several times, the most recently being a couple of months ago. now i find myself in a similar kind of dilemma and have no intention of following the advice i gave to everyone else. this is kind of cryptic but im just trying to process it... the outcomes and consequences of this for me are higher and very different though and i dont know what i should do abotu it... or if i should do anythign.

the fourth is that i really like blackcurrant tea. the twinnings kind. i bought myself a multipack of fruit infusions for a treat. the only one i havent tried yet is the strawberry rasperbby loganberry one which i may try when i get in. the only bad side is that to bring the flavour out better you need to add sugar, having just stopped having sugar in most things this is frustrating.

the fifth is that my caffiene tolerance has increased dramatically while my alcohol tolerance has decreased a little. i dont mind the latter... i dont drink to get drunk... but i cant say that for certainty because i only know my tolerance with what i usually drink which is different. the caffiene though has definately increased. i can drink proper coke again (like 2l) and black coffee without going mental which is good.

the sixth is that i think i need to go back to the doctors. original symptoms are returning i think (need a few days to be sure) which sucks arse. completely. on top of that my sight and hearing have gotten worse amongst a couple of other things...

im gonna shut up now cause i need to go home for a nap (thats one of the other things - indicating anaemia is either worse, im bleeding internally, or somethign else is wrong ill go with the first or third.... its possibly related to the fact that i had a mammoth nose bleed last night actually... damn sneezing) or just to go and do something quiet not involving much movement. will finish on a positive though....

i passed my exams. one module not assessed yet so i havent officially passed, but even if i get the minimum pass of 40 on it (which is possibkle but ill probably get a low 2.2 (50) i still finish the year averaging on a 57 (58.5) with the 50 which is not too bad considering the time off i had and stuff.... means i can still get a 2.1(60%) overall if i do well next year. and theres only one module i DONT want to do (actually really want to do my dissertation.... 12,000 words - been a while since i wrote somethign that long... about 2 weeks (hehe... talkign about spain trip writeups) and that the song of songs one- "the bible and the poetry of the erotic" i just dont see the point in it. 2 modules on paul stuff and a theology module... less up for the theology one but it'll be interesting to see how theology is formed... and how its formed wrongly *evil grin*. anyhow. im aiming for no less than 65's on everythign next year which should bring me up to a 2.1 giving me a much better chance both jobwise and PGCE if i want to do that. should decide that really... 2.1 is auto acceptance for RE.
and now everythign just decided its too tired..... arg.
will have to bus it i fear.

sara
(should have broadband in 2 weeks- phone line being installed on thursday next - anyone wants the number then mail me)

ps. if anyone still reads this please comment.... just so i dont feel like im talking to noone- not that it makes much difference.

so i dont have a life..... shoot me and prove it.

second day in a row here....

why?

hendryx needed the net... and we're heading into town afterwards. although uni is open til 8.30pm so i could probably happily sit here and play till then... but i wont.
spent most of my evening yesterday playing final fantasy VII... will continue tonight, i need to find a wig and a dress...... that was where i got stuck before turning it off.

random question for people. has anyone changed their IP address while ive been away?

dont really have much to say.
i feel a bit better today.... and will ahve some FANTASTIC photos of me having a really bad hair day when ive finished this film off... tomorrow im seeing rich robinson 12.30-1.30 and then heading to the cinema to see two films :)
friday ill probably sort out my end of the bills and stuff.... i dunno.... :)

saturday is meant to be recording prac..... hmmm..... we'll see what happens there.

anyhow im gonna do another lazy stay in bed all night thing tonight, and hope that it will do the trick as it sempt to help last night..... that and getting texts from people that cheered me up and fruit tea :)

rargh.

silence is um...... navy?

its weird. ive gone stir crazy the last few weeks not having had the option of venting.
now i do, and i kinda specifically came into uni to do just that (and delete a couple of things off my filestore quota), i dont have anything to say. everyone else has been quite silent too.

im feeling a little better this afternoon than i did this morning... im currently blatantly flouting uni rules and eating a bag of quavers in the pc room.... i dont care though as i should eat something today, althouhg whether or not quavers count as food is another matter.

yesterday evening was cool. i was feeling quite pants and having gotten up and been out hadnt helped as i thought it might have, so i made tea, which for me was plain terrible - chips fish fingers and beans. not much gourmet flair there... but it was edible....and this was accompanied by vanilla coke and many episodes of daria up in the lair of the Hendryx, followed by a strawberry pavlova. that as an activity did more than any amount of fussing would have achieved. i know that when i *am* visibly ill, it tends to be severe, but actually some good company and somethign to distract me will do wonders.
yesterday saw some people come to replace a couple of things and remove the gas fire and they also cleaned out the dungeon which was fantastic, as we thought we'd have to do it ourselves. it looks slightly less impressive than when it was full of beaten up draws and stuff, but its still cool, and they left the meat hooks and everything and the 'altar' whilst brick based is still funky. i envisage many random games taking place down there over the next year by candlelight (mainly 40k, but who knows)

got a few interesting dilemmas to try and get my head around....

one is organising abbie. she's got a long weekend at the end of this month so is wanting to come up to sheffield to sort out her old room at her parents, but she can't take her stuff back on the train(not by herself anyhow) so she rang me yesterday (which was nice) to ask if i know anyone who could give her a lift back down to weymouth on the 2nd august...! i think the more practical option will be for me to get the train back to weymouth with her and carry some of her stuff and come back the next day as by car its a 7hour drive there, will cost around 80 quid i reckon in petrol whereas if i booked the train now it would cost me 16 quid for a return and a five hour journey meaning i could crash the night there and come back the next day... though if anyone else wants to come along that would be cool so i ahve someone to talk to on the way back.need to book the tickets by the end of the week though or it goes up to like 40 quid... plus if need be i can always store a bit of her stuff and bring it down before the wedding....

got some questions whizzing round as well that i cant really ask anyone...

well i suppose id better think about wrapping up. ill get kicked out of here in a bit and then i guess ill go back to bed unless anyone has any better ideas.

until next time take care of yourselves.

sara

silence is um...... navy?

its weird. ive gone stir crazy the last few weeks not having had the option of venting.
now i do, and i kinda specifically came into uni to do just that (and delete a couple of things off my filestore quota), i dont have anything to say. everyone else has been quite silent too.

im feeling a little better this afternoon than i did this morning... im currently blatantly flouting uni rules and eating a bag of quavers in the pc room.... i dont care though as i should eat something today, althouhg whether or not quavers count as food is another matter.

yesterday evening was cool. i was feeling quite pants and having gotten up and been out hadnt helped as i thought it might have, so i made tea, which for me was plain terrible - chips fish fingers and beans. not much gourmet flair there... but it was edible....and this was accompanied by vanilla coke and many episodes of daria up in the lair of the Hendryx, followed by a strawberry pavlova. that as an activity did more than any amount of fussing would have achieved. i know that when i *am* visibly ill, it tends to be severe, but actually some good company and somethign to distract me will do wonders.
yesterday saw some people come to replace a couple of things and remove the gas fire and they also cleaned out the dungeon which was fantastic, as we thought we'd have to do it ourselves. it looks slightly less impressive than when it was full of beaten up draws and stuff, but its still cool, and they left the meat hooks and everything and the 'altar' whilst brick based is still funky. i envisage many random games taking place down there over the next year by candlelight (mainly 40k, but who knows)

got a few interesting dilemmas to try and get my head around....

one is organising abbie. she's got a long weekend at the end of this month so is wanting to come up to sheffield to sort out her old room at her parents, but she can't take her stuff back on the train(not by herself anyhow) so she rang me yesterday (which was nice) to ask if i know anyone who could give her a lift back down to weymouth on the 2nd august...! i think the more practical option will be for me to get the train back to weymouth with her and carry some of her stuff and come back the next day as by car its a 7hour drive there, will cost around 80 quid i reckon in petrol whereas if i booked the train now it would cost me 16 quid for a return and a five hour journey meaning i could crash the night there and come back the next day... though if anyone else wants to come along that would be cool so i ahve someone to talk to on the way back.need to book the tickets by the end of the week though or it goes up to like 40 quid... plus if need be i can always store a bit of her stuff and bring it down before the wedding....

got some questions whizzing round as well that i cant really ask anyone...

well i suppose id better think about wrapping up. ill get kicked out of here in a bit and then i guess ill go back to bed unless anyone has any better ideas.

until next time take care of yourselves.

sara