finally some news.
had a phone call from the doctors surgery this morning.
the consultant at the hospital wants my bloods checking. its starting again. i knew that this would happen but id kind of shoved it to the back of mind with the vague knowledge existing there that, someday, id once again have to come back to this hurdle, and face whatever is to come. it looks like sometime during the next three months i will learn what course my life is to take next, whether or not the hospital managed to stop the onslaught of the unspeakable things, what i can expect from all of this.
i don't mind admitting that im scared about this. i have learned that fear is not the weakness i once considered it to be.it is possible to harness fear and to use it as an aid, but i don't want to. I want to know what is, and what isn't. i don't want to give myself false hope, and i don't want to be overly pessimistic. It's a fine line to tread, and im not so sure that i can tread it. I do know however that i have more of an idea this time. more of an idea about what to expect to happen, more of an idea about what ill do in x circumstance and what i'll do in y circumstance. i also know what is a good way to react and what is a bad way to react. cutting myself off from everything and everyone is not a good way to react and i must fight that with all of my strength, or cave in to myself and silently implode. even though i know all of this in my head, it is no longer my head that dominates my reactions, there is another part of me, one that is more primal and instinctive that does that for me now, it is not tangiable or describable. it just is.
at this moment in time i am torn between two extremes and im not sure which side will win.
the consultant at the hospital wants my bloods checking. its starting again. i knew that this would happen but id kind of shoved it to the back of mind with the vague knowledge existing there that, someday, id once again have to come back to this hurdle, and face whatever is to come. it looks like sometime during the next three months i will learn what course my life is to take next, whether or not the hospital managed to stop the onslaught of the unspeakable things, what i can expect from all of this.
i don't mind admitting that im scared about this. i have learned that fear is not the weakness i once considered it to be.it is possible to harness fear and to use it as an aid, but i don't want to. I want to know what is, and what isn't. i don't want to give myself false hope, and i don't want to be overly pessimistic. It's a fine line to tread, and im not so sure that i can tread it. I do know however that i have more of an idea this time. more of an idea about what to expect to happen, more of an idea about what ill do in x circumstance and what i'll do in y circumstance. i also know what is a good way to react and what is a bad way to react. cutting myself off from everything and everyone is not a good way to react and i must fight that with all of my strength, or cave in to myself and silently implode. even though i know all of this in my head, it is no longer my head that dominates my reactions, there is another part of me, one that is more primal and instinctive that does that for me now, it is not tangiable or describable. it just is.
at this moment in time i am torn between two extremes and im not sure which side will win.
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