living someone elses life.
a long time ago i used to hear all of these stories from the "popular" people at school about their parties and the kinds of things they did, and while on the one hand i really wasnt interested at all by any of it, on the other there was always a small element of curiosity...
not such a long time ago, i went through a period of time- around three months- where i watched my life being lived out and i had no say in what happened. that was interesting....
the last few days ive had almost the opposite happening. ive ended up randomly meeting a lot of people this week, and having decided to make a special effort since moving with regards to beign sociable anyhow found myself determined to stick to that with the added extras i wasnt expecting. on top of that, things have happened that i REALLY didnt think would happen in a long time, let alone in the space of just over a week.
As a result..... ive been drunk three nights in a short space of time... ended up with some interesting things happening then...come to a few conclusions. thursday and friday were horrible.. just ended up getting so wound up.... saturday saw a shift in the balance. a long conversation with abbie saw to that. experienced true ambivalence for the first time in an awful long time during that which was very odd. generally felt a bit better though which was what led to me ending up going out last night.
the less said there the better i think.
the main conclusion i have to draw from that is that i am a social outcast and actually i dont think i can handle being anything else. call me stubborn or whatever you like for saying that but itstrue.
every so often i poke my head out to see whether anything has changed, and then it comes back in. i have tried. ive tried hard the last few months with a lot of things, and right now it feels like ive let a lot of people down. all i can say to that is im sorry.
theres a lot i could say to a lot of people right now, but what right do i have to do that?
i know this post is almost seeming like ive backtracked over the steps forward ive taken over the last couple of months (at least ive been told i have... it certainly doesnt feel like it to me)- maybe i have... but right now i dont really care that much need to step back from the battlefront, survey my wounds, find a hug and a hot chocolate, and work out just what is the point.
over the next week i think ill be probably be in hiding like on friday, except for wednesday, which is doable. i think i can cope with slaving over the kitchen for a while to feed people. possibility of goign bowling in the morning... but thats three days away yet.
supposed to be the staff night out at work next week too, but im not going. would also be nice if they actually gave me some work... but thats another thing for another time.
not such a long time ago, i went through a period of time- around three months- where i watched my life being lived out and i had no say in what happened. that was interesting....
the last few days ive had almost the opposite happening. ive ended up randomly meeting a lot of people this week, and having decided to make a special effort since moving with regards to beign sociable anyhow found myself determined to stick to that with the added extras i wasnt expecting. on top of that, things have happened that i REALLY didnt think would happen in a long time, let alone in the space of just over a week.
As a result..... ive been drunk three nights in a short space of time... ended up with some interesting things happening then...come to a few conclusions. thursday and friday were horrible.. just ended up getting so wound up.... saturday saw a shift in the balance. a long conversation with abbie saw to that. experienced true ambivalence for the first time in an awful long time during that which was very odd. generally felt a bit better though which was what led to me ending up going out last night.
the less said there the better i think.
the main conclusion i have to draw from that is that i am a social outcast and actually i dont think i can handle being anything else. call me stubborn or whatever you like for saying that but itstrue.
every so often i poke my head out to see whether anything has changed, and then it comes back in. i have tried. ive tried hard the last few months with a lot of things, and right now it feels like ive let a lot of people down. all i can say to that is im sorry.
theres a lot i could say to a lot of people right now, but what right do i have to do that?
i know this post is almost seeming like ive backtracked over the steps forward ive taken over the last couple of months (at least ive been told i have... it certainly doesnt feel like it to me)- maybe i have... but right now i dont really care that much need to step back from the battlefront, survey my wounds, find a hug and a hot chocolate, and work out just what is the point.
over the next week i think ill be probably be in hiding like on friday, except for wednesday, which is doable. i think i can cope with slaving over the kitchen for a while to feed people. possibility of goign bowling in the morning... but thats three days away yet.
supposed to be the staff night out at work next week too, but im not going. would also be nice if they actually gave me some work... but thats another thing for another time.
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