at the end of the day we're another day older....thats all you can say
this afternoon as ive been playing around in html randomly and half listening to some PC training given to teachers on an INSET day, apart from the despair at hearing several teachers having problems with cut and paste and copy commands - people who you would expect to be computer literate too.... ive been taking stock of a few things.
i should probably be giving some of what i may say below some more thought or at least phrasing it in a way that is less ominous or harsh but the point of this post would be defeated kind of...
the first thing i began to think about was my defensiveness. in the past ive tended to be a passively defensive person who would only become aggressive when pushed over the (very large) limit.
Recently, however, i seem to have made the shift from passive to aggressive defense. in some ways this is possibly a good thing, on the one hand it may be claimed that ive finally decided to stand up and be counted and all the rest of the bullshit i was told in the thick of things like "never run away from someone who hits you" and "if you get hit make sure you hit harder" etc etc
its possibly a less than positive thing however as it then means that i dont differentiate between who is a 'friend' and who is an 'enemy'. (this in itself could prove to be advantageous as the consequences of that would mean stuff... not wishing to get ahead of myself though.)
a lot of people have always chastised me for not standing up/speaking out about stuff but they always forget one vital thing, and that is that i was never allowed to have an opinoin and when i was it made not one modicum of difference to anythign.
on the flip side of that though... one of the questions i have to ask myself at the moment is "stand up for what?"
i have no faith in people.... have faith there and you get screwed over and tossed up like an old beached carcass. true i have this stupid little grain of hope that refuses to go away and seems to be what gets me in so much trouble.
i have no faith in systems or processes. they have too many loopholes and failings and take so long.
i have no faith in myself. if there was any reason for that i wouldnt be in the position i am at the moment or indeed many of the positions ive ended up in before.
i have no faith in truth or love conquering all - to mix my metaphors. there isnt enough love in the world and the thing that no-one else seems ot understand is that truth is subjective. im not talking about facts- which are only proven under a specific set of circumstances or certainty here- and anyhow there is only one certainty in life and that is its cessation- also a lot of the time truth is experiential and this can mean that what may be percieved as truth by one person is actually so far removed from another persons experiences of the same 'truth' that it in fact would be impossible for that particular idea/concept etc to be truth for the second person.- a confusing concept to explain but clarification can be given if required.
im playing a dangerous controversial game here and treading on thin ice, and i dont mind being disproven, or swayed onto different ground if its possible to be....
another thing ive been musing over is my reactions to things. lets not beat about the bush- theyre less than desirable a lot of the time. im not sure which id rather have, unpredictable, sometimes less than desirable reactions or none at all.
having done both there are disadvantages and advantages to both for both sides. im not going to list the different ones because that would be sheer folly...
there are probably one or two people sat reading this who are banging their heads against the screen because they either know that i could quite happily sit down and reel off the ideal responses to all of the questions raised here, or because theyve told me the 'answers' and it just. wont. sink. IN!
my response to that is are you sure that the "answers" are right?
today i am not so sure that i agree with things that i previously did. i dont want anyone reading this to freak out - to some extent im just flexing my philosophical muscles and to another i am questioning things but surely thats okay cause everyone does it?, or maybe it isnt because there might actually be somehting outside of the system that we are pigeonholed into that someone doesnt want us to know, or more likely that no-one can face being realised.
a few more thoughts on the whole idea of truth - getting away from fact here - ie - today i am wearing blue and black stripey socks - which can be proven, but im talking more ethereal/transcendental/experiential truth - the stuff that may or may not be proven.
what is 'truth' if no-one believes it?
if a lie is believed does it then become a truth?
is the power of truth contained wholly in the belief of it?
who decides what is truth and what is a lie?
to sum up i think even i can see that my head is pretty screwed up in general at the moment... i dont seem to be able to find a constant or some bearings to get to a constant so im just going to sift through until i either find something to use, develop a new thing, or just go plain crazy. any of these are possible.
feel free to comment or debate away. i havent managed to be controversial yet, though that isnt why i have said any of this at all... and you never know it might genuinely help.
i should probably be giving some of what i may say below some more thought or at least phrasing it in a way that is less ominous or harsh but the point of this post would be defeated kind of...
the first thing i began to think about was my defensiveness. in the past ive tended to be a passively defensive person who would only become aggressive when pushed over the (very large) limit.
Recently, however, i seem to have made the shift from passive to aggressive defense. in some ways this is possibly a good thing, on the one hand it may be claimed that ive finally decided to stand up and be counted and all the rest of the bullshit i was told in the thick of things like "never run away from someone who hits you" and "if you get hit make sure you hit harder" etc etc
its possibly a less than positive thing however as it then means that i dont differentiate between who is a 'friend' and who is an 'enemy'. (this in itself could prove to be advantageous as the consequences of that would mean stuff... not wishing to get ahead of myself though.)
a lot of people have always chastised me for not standing up/speaking out about stuff but they always forget one vital thing, and that is that i was never allowed to have an opinoin and when i was it made not one modicum of difference to anythign.
on the flip side of that though... one of the questions i have to ask myself at the moment is "stand up for what?"
i have no faith in people.... have faith there and you get screwed over and tossed up like an old beached carcass. true i have this stupid little grain of hope that refuses to go away and seems to be what gets me in so much trouble.
i have no faith in systems or processes. they have too many loopholes and failings and take so long.
i have no faith in myself. if there was any reason for that i wouldnt be in the position i am at the moment or indeed many of the positions ive ended up in before.
i have no faith in truth or love conquering all - to mix my metaphors. there isnt enough love in the world and the thing that no-one else seems ot understand is that truth is subjective. im not talking about facts- which are only proven under a specific set of circumstances or certainty here- and anyhow there is only one certainty in life and that is its cessation- also a lot of the time truth is experiential and this can mean that what may be percieved as truth by one person is actually so far removed from another persons experiences of the same 'truth' that it in fact would be impossible for that particular idea/concept etc to be truth for the second person.- a confusing concept to explain but clarification can be given if required.
im playing a dangerous controversial game here and treading on thin ice, and i dont mind being disproven, or swayed onto different ground if its possible to be....
another thing ive been musing over is my reactions to things. lets not beat about the bush- theyre less than desirable a lot of the time. im not sure which id rather have, unpredictable, sometimes less than desirable reactions or none at all.
having done both there are disadvantages and advantages to both for both sides. im not going to list the different ones because that would be sheer folly...
there are probably one or two people sat reading this who are banging their heads against the screen because they either know that i could quite happily sit down and reel off the ideal responses to all of the questions raised here, or because theyve told me the 'answers' and it just. wont. sink. IN!
my response to that is are you sure that the "answers" are right?
today i am not so sure that i agree with things that i previously did. i dont want anyone reading this to freak out - to some extent im just flexing my philosophical muscles and to another i am questioning things but surely thats okay cause everyone does it?, or maybe it isnt because there might actually be somehting outside of the system that we are pigeonholed into that someone doesnt want us to know, or more likely that no-one can face being realised.
a few more thoughts on the whole idea of truth - getting away from fact here - ie - today i am wearing blue and black stripey socks - which can be proven, but im talking more ethereal/transcendental/experiential truth - the stuff that may or may not be proven.
what is 'truth' if no-one believes it?
if a lie is believed does it then become a truth?
is the power of truth contained wholly in the belief of it?
who decides what is truth and what is a lie?
to sum up i think even i can see that my head is pretty screwed up in general at the moment... i dont seem to be able to find a constant or some bearings to get to a constant so im just going to sift through until i either find something to use, develop a new thing, or just go plain crazy. any of these are possible.
feel free to comment or debate away. i havent managed to be controversial yet, though that isnt why i have said any of this at all... and you never know it might genuinely help.
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