midnight at the uni.... send the camels to bed.
its midnight, and im still here, and im here for the night...
phil left a while ago, and everyone else i know is sleeping.
i went to the chip shop (shock horror) and got a chip butty for lunch aftermy last post... returned back around 10 30pm... i dont really like chips very much, but it was probably the best thing i could have eaten- got the short term burst of carbs followed by the longer release of starch to keep me going through the night....
also ran up and down the stairs to the stacks and back so have done around 200 stairs both way so far.... that has to count for *something*
after all the running around the book i needed isnt there.... oh well....
had an MSN conversation tonight the likes of which i havent had in a while... complete fun and madness with a hint of the real in there, during which i doubled my word count, so that was cool...
i reckon if i go back to the work at 12.30 am i will have the arch essay done at 3am (had a large leave off it and been doing other stuff... like a more detailed plan of the lib theology one) then crack on wiht as much of the lib theo as possible wihtout the guitierrez book (can't believe theres only ONE in the whole library and we do a core module on it... )and then tackle peter after that....
there are more people here than i thought there would be. im guessing that one or two will stay the night... like me, others will leave in a while- they will be the ones living close by... i do look forwards to when once more i would be in a position to do that, or not have to worry about leaving whereever im at in order to get home before it gets dark and dangerous... also the freedom of having my own space...
something ive noticed about today is just how much more ive grown to enjoy being with people. Today i spent the first three hours of my day outside the house in a hostile environment of silence. On the bus for an hour and then an exam for two... the thing in the exam that kept me sane, despite enjoying hte exam, the silence was driving me crazy! mainly because exam silence is downright oppressive in its nature, but knowing htat once i would be out of there i would be on my way to see a friend for coffee. once that was done i headed back to uni knowing i would be seeing Jack and Rosie later on, so as long as i got on with stuff that was where i was aiming for. as it was i recieved the pleazsant surprise of hendryx arriving which was great- had a great chat, and then i returned to work again... the midst of that saw an email conversation which was again great, and then Jack and Rosie arrived with Hendryx at around 7pm and we chatted until around 8 at which point phil arrived to do some work, and so i wasnt on my own... then i worked out getting onto msn... :)
i guess what im trying to say is that im realising that actually i *don't* like being alone. i used to try to convince myself, and still do, that its the better thing, and i enjoy it, but in all honesty um... nope. It's something that i struggle with and i can see why i hold the view that i do - for a long time i *was* on my own, and then i wasn't but i didnt know that this would be any different to other previous occasions... so i try to convince myself this is better, because actually being alone hurts but only if its NOT of my own doing. even reading this back now it *sounds* like the biggest load of poppycock ever, and it is... because actually im *not* alone, and the people aroudn me arent going to drop me, and abandon me and leave me alone... despite what my brain may tell me.
its just beginning to sink in that i actually leave on friday night... thats 48 hours from now...and i dont feel ready to. ill be leaving a lot behind that i dont want to, and my big fear is that ill return to the response of "hmm... well you've been away and ive had time to think and actually no, i don't want to be your friend" - it sounds crazy, but that is honestly where my head is at... and no amount of me shouting at it makes it any different. a part of me truly believes that that is what will happen... its the same part that niggles away at me and tells me that God isn't really ALWAYS there and He's certainly not listening to anything *you* have to say. It is this part of me that i fight against so much. And im sorry to say that i don't always win.
its all fallen silent in here now, just the sound of two or three people typing, myself included in that number.
sometimes i wish that i could just chop out the good bits of me (assuming there are enough to make the effort to do so) and give them to someone who could use them... but as i type that i am reminded of the parable of the talents... to do that would be like the man who hid his talent. There *are* good bits of me, and actually i need to listen to those and make them grow, and not be consumed by the bad bits. when i feel like i am being consumed by them then i need to RUN. Running from yourself is impossible. truist me ive tried... but ive found something out... you dont run FROM yourself... you run TO others. you run to God and you run to your friends. They have a better opinion of you that you will ever have and sometimes you need to hear it from someone else. It might be hard to hear it, but it is truth, and you need to allow it to sink into your heart and take root there. And as you do, the seed will grow, and as it grows its roots will begin to plough up the fallow ground and turf out the bad stuff that had been overpowering everything else, and those new roots will bring strength and life.
[ive no idea where that came from but i guess i should read it back or have it pointed out to me next time i dont take that advice... i wrote it more for my benefit than anyone elses i guess]
the thing ive found hardest wiht it though is that while you can listen to it, and even try to take on that truth, until it has been seen or experienced it cannot grow beyond that which you can imagine.it can also be hard to accept as such until proven. and this is where faith begins to fit into it i think. faith is being sure of what we hope of and certain of what we do not see... you have to trust that the truth *is* the truth until such time as you KNOW it is the truth.
looking at that, i think forst i need to get me some things to hope for.... and then some truths to try to be certain of until the Lord chooses to reveal them Himself.
thoughts and suggestions welcome :)
phil left a while ago, and everyone else i know is sleeping.
i went to the chip shop (shock horror) and got a chip butty for lunch aftermy last post... returned back around 10 30pm... i dont really like chips very much, but it was probably the best thing i could have eaten- got the short term burst of carbs followed by the longer release of starch to keep me going through the night....
also ran up and down the stairs to the stacks and back so have done around 200 stairs both way so far.... that has to count for *something*
after all the running around the book i needed isnt there.... oh well....
had an MSN conversation tonight the likes of which i havent had in a while... complete fun and madness with a hint of the real in there, during which i doubled my word count, so that was cool...
i reckon if i go back to the work at 12.30 am i will have the arch essay done at 3am (had a large leave off it and been doing other stuff... like a more detailed plan of the lib theology one) then crack on wiht as much of the lib theo as possible wihtout the guitierrez book (can't believe theres only ONE in the whole library and we do a core module on it... )and then tackle peter after that....
there are more people here than i thought there would be. im guessing that one or two will stay the night... like me, others will leave in a while- they will be the ones living close by... i do look forwards to when once more i would be in a position to do that, or not have to worry about leaving whereever im at in order to get home before it gets dark and dangerous... also the freedom of having my own space...
something ive noticed about today is just how much more ive grown to enjoy being with people. Today i spent the first three hours of my day outside the house in a hostile environment of silence. On the bus for an hour and then an exam for two... the thing in the exam that kept me sane, despite enjoying hte exam, the silence was driving me crazy! mainly because exam silence is downright oppressive in its nature, but knowing htat once i would be out of there i would be on my way to see a friend for coffee. once that was done i headed back to uni knowing i would be seeing Jack and Rosie later on, so as long as i got on with stuff that was where i was aiming for. as it was i recieved the pleazsant surprise of hendryx arriving which was great- had a great chat, and then i returned to work again... the midst of that saw an email conversation which was again great, and then Jack and Rosie arrived with Hendryx at around 7pm and we chatted until around 8 at which point phil arrived to do some work, and so i wasnt on my own... then i worked out getting onto msn... :)
i guess what im trying to say is that im realising that actually i *don't* like being alone. i used to try to convince myself, and still do, that its the better thing, and i enjoy it, but in all honesty um... nope. It's something that i struggle with and i can see why i hold the view that i do - for a long time i *was* on my own, and then i wasn't but i didnt know that this would be any different to other previous occasions... so i try to convince myself this is better, because actually being alone hurts but only if its NOT of my own doing. even reading this back now it *sounds* like the biggest load of poppycock ever, and it is... because actually im *not* alone, and the people aroudn me arent going to drop me, and abandon me and leave me alone... despite what my brain may tell me.
its just beginning to sink in that i actually leave on friday night... thats 48 hours from now...and i dont feel ready to. ill be leaving a lot behind that i dont want to, and my big fear is that ill return to the response of "hmm... well you've been away and ive had time to think and actually no, i don't want to be your friend" - it sounds crazy, but that is honestly where my head is at... and no amount of me shouting at it makes it any different. a part of me truly believes that that is what will happen... its the same part that niggles away at me and tells me that God isn't really ALWAYS there and He's certainly not listening to anything *you* have to say. It is this part of me that i fight against so much. And im sorry to say that i don't always win.
its all fallen silent in here now, just the sound of two or three people typing, myself included in that number.
sometimes i wish that i could just chop out the good bits of me (assuming there are enough to make the effort to do so) and give them to someone who could use them... but as i type that i am reminded of the parable of the talents... to do that would be like the man who hid his talent. There *are* good bits of me, and actually i need to listen to those and make them grow, and not be consumed by the bad bits. when i feel like i am being consumed by them then i need to RUN. Running from yourself is impossible. truist me ive tried... but ive found something out... you dont run FROM yourself... you run TO others. you run to God and you run to your friends. They have a better opinion of you that you will ever have and sometimes you need to hear it from someone else. It might be hard to hear it, but it is truth, and you need to allow it to sink into your heart and take root there. And as you do, the seed will grow, and as it grows its roots will begin to plough up the fallow ground and turf out the bad stuff that had been overpowering everything else, and those new roots will bring strength and life.
[ive no idea where that came from but i guess i should read it back or have it pointed out to me next time i dont take that advice... i wrote it more for my benefit than anyone elses i guess]
the thing ive found hardest wiht it though is that while you can listen to it, and even try to take on that truth, until it has been seen or experienced it cannot grow beyond that which you can imagine.it can also be hard to accept as such until proven. and this is where faith begins to fit into it i think. faith is being sure of what we hope of and certain of what we do not see... you have to trust that the truth *is* the truth until such time as you KNOW it is the truth.
looking at that, i think forst i need to get me some things to hope for.... and then some truths to try to be certain of until the Lord chooses to reveal them Himself.
thoughts and suggestions welcome :)
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