for those that read my LJ yoy'll know that things have gone kinda up pooh creek...as such, we now have no means of saving money for moving in July or our wedding so until i can either get a new job or some other way of gettign some money saved up im creating a holding account for anyone that might want to chip in a little... also if more details are wanted feel free to contact me.saraI can't make the link work on here... so http://www.livejournal.com/users/tawtami/59849.html is the place to go if you want to use the button... thanks in advance.sara

an addition

hmm...

remember the dilema i posted a while ago, about person a, b and c??

well its been resolved. i decided to keep firmly schtum in the case of person b, and well....
um.. person c is called ben and we kinda got together last saturday night/sunday morning...
it wasnt how Thomas described, well kinda but the actual "event" happened in privacy... and i did very little to facilitate anything.... spent the evening together with hendryx and some other friends and then ben and i wandered outside before the others made their exits where well.... the story can be told if requested i guess, but i dont want to sound soppy or anything...  although i would like to dispel any rumours that he is a swedish midget right now.

anyway *blushes* thats all i have to say about that

 

lifes a funny thing

stuff is finished now which is noce in terms of the house, but i am knackered. doing a 41 hour week this week. also feel i may have gotten myself into a bit of a sitch with work already.... remember i almost lost my job a while ago (on a side note got the official offer today)...?well today i ended up looking after that child again on a one to one basis as the SNIP worker looking after them was absolutely pants.... the bosses have asked if id officially do the one to one so they dont have to get any more SNIP workers in... a difficult situation may arise out of this. i dont really care either way, because the worst that will come out of this i think is that the parent will object seriously, but that i think im right in saying isnt my problem.. im just doing as im told.dunno.
todya has been really pants to be fair workwise- had a brilliant laugh on the one hand- we put salt in steves tea for telling us *he'd* actually done some work when in fact Paul had done it which was priceless, and then as staff we get on well, but the kids were awful... one decided to have a temper tantrum all the way through the bowling trip and did nothing but cry and scream for the entire hour and a bit.... then there was the above thing with the SNIP worker, and also the question of the REALLY NAUGHTY boy whom i had the pleasure of dealing with.... ack. im bald now i swear.

anyhow... had a nice tea last night. whats left of the crumble i made will be tonights food as i cant be arsed to do owt else and im going to try to rearrange my room before falling asleep. still its better than yesterday which saw me not stay at home due to the mess that was there. the night away did some good though i think, and made coming home this evening even better. anyhow.... someone talk to me......... im bored!!! (not moving furniture till i feel a little stronger ie ive eaten)

hoping to get my room sorted anyhow. i fear i may have to await the help of someone who is strong to help (and everyone is away for now) ah well, at least my bed is usable tonight.... mmmm bed......................................................

(i think the stupid amount of work, the heat, the caffiene and the paint smell are getting to me)

finally some news.

had a phone call from the doctors surgery this morning.
the consultant at the hospital wants my bloods checking. its starting again. i knew that this would happen but id kind of shoved it to the back of mind with the vague knowledge existing there that, someday, id once again have to come back to this hurdle, and face whatever is to come. it looks like sometime during the next three months i will learn what course my life is to take next, whether or not the hospital managed to stop the onslaught of the unspeakable things, what i can expect from all of this.
i don't mind admitting that im scared about this. i have learned that fear is not the weakness i once considered it to be.it is possible to harness fear and to use it as an aid, but i don't want to. I want to know what is, and what isn't. i don't want to give myself false hope, and i don't want to be overly pessimistic. It's a fine line to tread, and im not so sure that i can tread it. I do know however that i have more of an idea this time. more of an idea about what to expect to happen, more of an idea about what ill do in x circumstance and what i'll do in y circumstance. i also know what is a good way to react and what is a bad way to react. cutting myself off from everything and everyone is not a good way to react and i must fight that with all of my strength, or cave in to myself and silently implode. even though i know all of this in my head, it is no longer my head that dominates my reactions, there is another part of me, one that is more primal and instinctive that does that for me now, it is not tangiable or describable. it just is.

at this moment in time i am torn between two extremes and im not sure which side will win.

philosophosizing

as you may have been able to differentiate from my recent posts, ive been having a bit of an up/down time of it at the moment... which is proving interesting....

looking back though.... following an absolutely horrendous couple of days, ive had one of the best weeks of the last few YEARS.... which while fantastic, may well mean im about to have a huge dive which isnt so good...but it will be copable with i think... i just need to really make the effort not to just lock myself in my room... which is a huge temptation...making new friends has been cool, as was the trip to london yesterday. im kinda hoping that ill be able to look back on this week and say that life doesnt ALWAYS kick you hard in the teeth... even though it seems to sometimes, and i havent had the best of deals so far...
but yeah, the question is where do i go from here.... i dont WANT the anti-climax- i know it will happen, for one cannot delay things indefinately, but still....
ack... im just being a little philosophical.... where some baileys when you need it eh? ;-)

i would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone involved in the last week for making it what it was - im sure you all know who you are... so thank you - a big hug for each of you :)

sara

the longawaited journey...

okay, firstly hello.

yesterday was awesome.
just have to bore you all and go through it... ;-)

so i woke up at 8am when my alarm went off and then went back to sleep, getting up again at 8.40 to hear jack about to make tea, so went and scared him with a stealth hug and requested that he make me a cup of tea, and then even managed to pursuade him to put milk on my weetabix (yup i had breakfast for once) in 5 mins as id be in the shower for approximately that length of time,
now my showering time has dramatically reduced since the eye incident, so a v. quick shower was had and then wandered downstairs to find a cup of tea and breakfast ready and waiting, which to be fair was an excellent start to the day.
i then scared the decorator, as i'd told him the day before that id be in london all day wednesday when trying to establish whether or not id need to move stuff tuesday night... (then answer was not) and i was still here, so i explained i was being collected so that was okay too. at 9.15 i made another cup of tea as i had forgotten to take my blue pill with the first... :S and i needed the caffiene too... anyhow, drank the scalding tea with the pill (ouch) and we set off.... i did fairly well- the pill kicked in around an hour into the journey and i only fell asleep for 10-15 minutes (stupid side effects) although in that 10 minutes or so we seemed to have killed several bugs on the windscreen....
We arrived in High Wycombe and parked at around 12.30ish and arrived at the station and bought the tickets with 4 minutes till the next train and arrived at the platform with 30s to go- which is what you get when 2 people with great timing skills are travelling ;-).
Anyhoo arrived into Marylebone station, which to be honest i wasnt impressed with and dont see why it made the Monopoly board game at all.... but hey, and headed for picadilly circus on a not very packed tube which was good, as i have severe issues with those things (well more the number of people on those things). Found our bearings and headed for Queen's theatre to get tickets for the first show of the day- Les Miserables. then it was to mc Deathtrap for lunch, which i have to say the salad isnt too terrible.... and on to the show.
Having seen Les Mis when it came to Sheffield a few years ago, it was both better and worse than that. i really enjoyed seeing it in its 'home' and overall the standard of the company was good. There were one or two characters i was less than impressed with, although to balance that there were also a couple i was blown away with... I love the story and do intend to read the book at some point.... but it was great to see again....
then we had an hour to spare so went to soundcontrol in the basement of Virgin Megastore to look at guitar kit and stuff...and then had a drinks stop and headed to the dominion Theatre for the second show...
Since this had been a possibility i had successfully managed to completely disassociate myself from anything that might have let me in on the plot, so i had no idea what to expect with 'We Will Rock You'. I had heard a couple of reviews which were mixed so no giveaways there, but i have to say i was very impressed.... the plot could have been slightly less predictable, but in its defence i work out plot too easily sometimes... i was very impressed with the standard of the show. Its definately a next generation musical, with the inclusions of videoscreens and high-tech effects, which was a completely welcome contrast to the period style of Les Mis, but overall the standard of the people were awesome. i couldnt really find any fault with the band at all, the only complaint i could have possibly made was that i found the vocals unbalanced with the music, but thats entirely because we were sat on the front row so no possible right to. As for the main characters, they really put everything into it, and for that i salute them!
At the end we began our journey home, jumpin on a train back to High Wycombe and then driving back, i am sorry to report that i was a bit of a wuss and did fall asleep with the best of intentions to have not done, but never mind. We arrived back to mine at 2.15ish and i handed Jelalucia over to her new owner, and i climbed into bed a very happy bunny, if a little sad that such a good day had to end.

sittin on the dock of the bay...

im just wasting a little bit of time between the meeting i just had with rich r and getting to rich green's for visity type things.
im bored to tell the truth... the house will be great but right now it smells of paint, the lack of carpets on the stairs is a little irritating and ive walked into like every door and wall in the house.... as to the why i will tell you now, as it will pass the time.
 
the great blinding incident.
 
so yesterday morning i got up at around 10amish having got in at 6.15am and after a little while went in the shower which is a nice thing to do when you smell ;-)
anyhow, i was in the shower and id put some lemon shower gel onto my bath scrunchie and began to wash and then in a 'freak accident' a large blob of shower gel flew from the scrunchie straight into my right eye. the pain was excrutiating to the point that i fell out of the shower in the (scuse the pun) blind panic to get a towel to remove it as this was worse than any shampoo id ever gotten in my eye..  having gotten the towel it had no effect and i was actually quite panicky as i definately couldnt see. regained a little bit of sense and immediately ran the sink with cool water to flush my eye out... this had no effect and the burning was so intense, i kept doing it and then realised that as long as my eye was shut the pain was bearable so finished washing my hair and stuff and spent 20 minutes continually flushing my eye out.
i did get the gel out, but i couldnt see, and it hurt. went upstairs to chat to hendryx, who immediately noticed as it looked like i was crying and confirmed it. around an hour later i rang my dad as it had started producing nasty stuff who said i should go to the hospital but no chance, so i left it.... after 6 hours i could see three of everythign out of one eye, and since then, its gotten less and im still kind of on double vision but the worst thign is that everything is blurry and i still have no peripheral vision in my right eye, which means that my spacial awareness is shot to buggery and back, and as a result i keep hitting things accidentally...
 
anyhow, thats filled the time nicely.. maybe next time ill tell of the mauri warpaint- in UV... :D
 
but for now... i will see you when i return from the capital.
sara
 

so i see that no-one has made any comment at all about my questions or anything... this is fair enough...

if you would like something more interesting to read however then go here.

sara

so how about a real post?

reading back the last post it all sounds horribly fake.

so we'll go with a boring update...

house.
today the men came back. i now have a canvas wardrobe in my room... .its bright blue. its weird.i always wanted something like that in my old room - mainly as i had an alcove so it would have been a practical use of space, however now that i have one... im not so sure about them. ill also be getting a huge desk, a chest of drawers and a 3/4 bed... having new furniture will be nice as ive NEVER had all new furniture in a room of mine before... but im not so sure its going to fit very well. my room is a slightly odd shape and unless the bed is not too much wider than a normal single (theres about a foot) im not sure i can fit everything in and still have space. like a nice space. im sure something can be sorted once everything is in the room though and i can see it better. [ addition - we rescued one of the old chairs from the skip pile earlier - i think it should go in the dungeon. great place to go hide in and read by candle light or something equally damaging..]

housemates.
people seem to be settling in nicely, the weird power struggle that seemed to be going on has kind of died down... i cant really describe it but it was slightly weird..
sometimes i forget just how well hendryx can read me at times which is going to make for an interesting year i think but will possibly be a good thing over all.
my space issue is kinda getting to be respected which is nice.. i think im also beginning to differentiate between some things as well... which should prove useful.

job.
work is an interesting one. interview tomorrow. guess ill be able to evaluate more then - if i still have a job.

friends.
theres an interesting quandry. met people in the last week or so. as much as it pains me to say it maybe i cant make two of the claims i have done previously as the grounds on which i have made them seem to have slipped. on the other hand... chris butt seems to have disappeared off the face of the planet... jack is busy with rosie, paul i dont seem to get on too well with at the moment... and just in general i seem to be fighting a lot. not entirely sure why but not to worry- there'll be some reason, the fact that i know not what is a minor detail.

family.
grandparents in spain have been burgled...over a grands worth of stuff missing, like the digital cameral, digital camcorder (both of which held some severely retarded footage of me over there... so in a very twisted ironic way im glad it will never see the shores of the UK)
parents are same as ever...
sister is an interesting one. i can cope with the fact that she's spoilt rotten and gets to do all the things i was never allowed to etc... (not wishing to dound bitter or anythign) but im not so happy that in the thick of things i was never allowed to miss school or anything because of it all, whereas my sister is... and the stuff she's getting is normal everyday stuff now... it sounds like a really petty complaint but its just an observation on my part...

me.
um... not doing too good right now... im looking forwards to going to London next wednesday to 'experience the West End' though... one more thing i can cross off on my to-do list.... only got a couple of things left. - visit canada/newzealand, inspire someone, go camping with people for no real reason/purpose other than it can be done. other than that, abbie is coming up at the end of july,

ive also decided that i need to talk less... its a really bad habit that i seem to have developed around six months ago. either that or change the way i operate from having 3 or four friends whom i talk to a lot to having lots of acquaintances whom i dont really talk to. i know im not the easiest person to get on with and stuff but occasionally i do stop and think about the other persons viewpoint and i seem to end up talking an awful lot. its proably not such a good thing anyways... i dunno there really but nah. it probably is a good thing. i probably need to get more friends anyhow... and i think that going back to virtual(not in a geeky net sense, but almost total kind of way) silence would probably not be the best of plans... will have to think about that one a bit more i think.

music.
not feeling too inspired at the moment i must say. the fact that the album idea seems to have imploded hasnt helped things too much...there cause its the whole backlash of being geared up to do somethign which then falls through. dont feel inspired to write anything. the few times ive actually seriously tried to do anything musical over the last couple of weeks its had a bizzarre effect as well so ...

i think thats it... all the major type things done...
so for those of you who were wondering... hope that gives you something to talk about.

sara

bar stewards

there was no postage here yesterday. there was never going to be in all honesty, but the daY I HAD planned out was, in actuality completely different to the day that happened.
i got up later than i had planned to, which was fair enough, however had apparently managed to sleep through the landlady arriving and banging on doors to get the message that the refurbishment type situation thing was about to kick off, so that was fair enough. by lunchtime we had no furniture left.so once again my life is in boxes, just this time not going anywhere. at 2.30 the decorator arrived. because we didnt know what his plans were we had moved all the contents of the rooms to the middle to allow for painting. in the meantime, Hendryx, who had gone to town had rung with the news that Thomas would be returning with him. Another person for tea, thats fine, but it meant i needed to go find more meat for my intended dish of the day. As it happened the decorator started on Rosie's room, so i was free to move my stuff back from the middle thus making at least one room in the house (still having my bed for now) usable in a social kind of way. The men who have been doing the clearing out/general stuff were amazingly thoughtful, and put up the swivel chairs we were getting so we had some seats, which was good. Anyhow, shortly after the decorator arrived i took Thomas down to Cool Extreme on Infirmary Road as he wanted to look around, and then we wandered onto Safeways where i ended up buying pudding cause i was too tired to cook both main meal and dessert after moving all my stuff around, and bought some more meat, a bottle of wine as well as some yop, and chocolate buttons (which have since disappeared) and bussed it back up. Got back around 4.15ish which meant that i had to get a move on with tea as people were arriving at 6.30pm, and there was lots to do. A message from Stephen arrived to say that Mike wouldnt be coming meant that my worry that there might not be enough food for the 7 of us were subdued as there would only be 6 of us...
Anyhow, made 2 hotpots - both the same, and this being the second time ive made it i think it was better than last time.
At 6.30 promptly Stephen and
Richard arrived to make our party complete. most people opted for alabama fudge cake and ice cream for pudding. i however, didnt, not especially liking chocolate so had rhubarb crumble instead, courtesy of Morrisons/Safeways, which wasnt as nice as mine but i cant complain as i couldnt be arsed.
the lack of furniture wasn't a problem, and "interesting" conversation was never far away.... so all in all a vaguely successful evening i felt. then everyone disappeared for a bit, as Rosie went to Jacks, and Hendryx went too,Stephen and Richard went home, i mosied around the house and Thomas played Unreal Tournament.
This morning was an early start for me... up at 8, as the people were returning then, and the Bt man was coming to fit the phone line but thats now happening on saturday grrr.....
didnt want to be stuck in the house so left with Hendryx and Thomas, and i went to meadowhell of all places. Really dont know why- must have felt the need for self torture or something..... just wandered around there for a little while, grabbed a sandwich as eating at some point during the day woudl have been prudent and then trammed it back to here, where it had proceeded to pee it down so figured id come in and wait for it to stop. ill probably head home in a bit and go to bed or something.
have to be relatively sharp tomorrow.... work have finally sorted out an interview. am not looking forwards to it to be honest. supposed to be getting paid today as well.... july is going to be a barren month me feels. havent been called into work once yet this month. ack.

how was that for an uninteresting boring post?

at the end of the day we're another day older....thats all you can say

this afternoon as ive been playing around in html randomly and half listening to some PC training given to teachers on an INSET day, apart from the despair at hearing several teachers having problems with cut and paste and copy commands - people who you would expect to be computer literate too.... ive been taking stock of a few things.

i should probably be giving some of what i may say below some more thought or at least phrasing it in a way that is less ominous or harsh but the point of this post would be defeated kind of...

the first thing i began to think about was my defensiveness. in the past ive tended to be a passively defensive person who would only become aggressive when pushed over the (very large) limit.
Recently, however, i seem to have made the shift from passive to aggressive defense. in some ways this is possibly a good thing, on the one hand it may be claimed that ive finally decided to stand up and be counted and all the rest of the bullshit i was told in the thick of things like "never run away from someone who hits you" and "if you get hit make sure you hit harder" etc etc
its possibly a less than positive thing however as it then means that i dont differentiate between who is a 'friend' and who is an 'enemy'. (this in itself could prove to be advantageous as the consequences of that would mean stuff... not wishing to get ahead of myself though.)

a lot of people have always chastised me for not standing up/speaking out about stuff but they always forget one vital thing, and that is that i was never allowed to have an opinoin and when i was it made not one modicum of difference to anythign.
on the flip side of that though... one of the questions i have to ask myself at the moment is "stand up for what?"
i have no faith in people.... have faith there and you get screwed over and tossed up like an old beached carcass. true i have this stupid little grain of hope that refuses to go away and seems to be what gets me in so much trouble.
i have no faith in systems or processes. they have too many loopholes and failings and take so long.
i have no faith in myself. if there was any reason for that i wouldnt be in the position i am at the moment or indeed many of the positions ive ended up in before.
i have no faith in truth or love conquering all - to mix my metaphors. there isnt enough love in the world and the thing that no-one else seems ot understand is that truth is subjective. im not talking about facts- which are only proven under a specific set of circumstances or certainty here- and anyhow there is only one certainty in life and that is its cessation- also a lot of the time truth is experiential and this can mean that what may be percieved as truth by one person is actually so far removed from another persons experiences of the same 'truth' that it in fact would be impossible for that particular idea/concept etc to be truth for the second person.- a confusing concept to explain but clarification can be given if required.

im playing a dangerous controversial game here and treading on thin ice, and i dont mind being disproven, or swayed onto different ground if its possible to be....

another thing ive been musing over is my reactions to things. lets not beat about the bush- theyre less than desirable a lot of the time. im not sure which id rather have, unpredictable, sometimes less than desirable reactions or none at all.
having done both there are disadvantages and advantages to both for both sides. im not going to list the different ones because that would be sheer folly...

there are probably one or two people sat reading this who are banging their heads against the screen because they either know that i could quite happily sit down and reel off the ideal responses to all of the questions raised here, or because theyve told me the 'answers' and it just. wont. sink. IN!

my response to that is are you sure that the "answers" are right?
today i am not so sure that i agree with things that i previously did. i dont want anyone reading this to freak out - to some extent im just flexing my philosophical muscles and to another i am questioning things but surely thats okay cause everyone does it?, or maybe it isnt because there might actually be somehting outside of the system that we are pigeonholed into that someone doesnt want us to know, or more likely that no-one can face being realised.

a few more thoughts on the whole idea of truth - getting away from fact here - ie - today i am wearing blue and black stripey socks - which can be proven, but im talking more ethereal/transcendental/experiential truth - the stuff that may or may not be proven.

what is 'truth' if no-one believes it?
if a lie is believed does it then become a truth?
is the power of truth contained wholly in the belief of it?
who decides what is truth and what is a lie?


to sum up i think even i can see that my head is pretty screwed up in general at the moment... i dont seem to be able to find a constant or some bearings to get to a constant so im just going to sift through until i either find something to use, develop a new thing, or just go plain crazy. any of these are possible.

feel free to comment or debate away. i havent managed to be controversial yet, though that isnt why i have said any of this at all... and you never know it might genuinely help.

change of pace.

im back to the dark.
think its better. maybe its just my mood.
anyhow. if i can get the links and stuff back before i get kicked out fair enough, if not it will have to wait.

on the plus side im relearning how to channel, and this post should set the template back to rights as the pictures should be gone now.


we will have a phone line again on thursday and broadband soon after so i can get back to my non existence at home instead of uni. leaving the house takes up too much money ive decided. the last three days ive ended up spending 30 quid.... yesterday i ended up feeling very sick. bought some phish food which i ate half of and was then "helped" with by hendryx - for that read hendryx ate it ;-) which was fine. watched spiderman, and played worms..

ive screwed up one of my msn accounts as well... manage to transfer everyone across...
trying to get it sorted now...


[update] its sorted... if im still appearing though can you let the clumsy mofe ie me, know. thank you.

found a song to describe stuff... some of it.

Cunning, Baffling, Powerful
Been beaten to a pulp
Vigorous, Irresistable
Sick and tired and laid low
Dominating, Invisible
Black-out, loss of control
Overwhelming, Unquenchable
I'm powerless, have to let go

I can't escape it
It leaves me frail and worn
Can no longer take it
Senses tattered and torn

Hopeless surrender
Obsession's got me beat
Losing the will to live
Admitting complete defeat

Fatal Descent
Spinning around
I've gone too far
To turn back round

Desperate attempt
Stop the progression
At any length
Lift this obsession

Crawling to my glass prison
A place where no one knows
My secret lonely world begins

So much safer here
A place where I can go
To forget about my daily sins

Life here in my glass prison
A place I once called home
Fall in nocturnal bliss again

Chasing a long lost friend
I no longer can control
Just waiting for this hopelessness to end

valuations let downs and general mumblings.

so today i ended up going out depite not wishing to.
mum rang me to say i had mailand she was heading into town, so i walked down to collect it and then went to the post office and then remembered to go into foxes where i got a price on my guitar.... also started pricing up keyboards with general MIDI out... can get one that will do what i need it to for 150 quid, which would be great if i had it... hehe... i can wait though. apparently ill get more for my guitar if i sell it privately than to a shop so i might try selling it on ebay or something. all i want is enough to fix my broken expensive acoustic... been quoted no more than 120 quid to fix it. could be as little as 30... but i cant get it fixed till i know i can cover it. (if any one is interested in buying it then let me know....its a metallic blue yamaha rgx121-sm standard trem, setup is humbucker-single coil-humbucker in terms of pickup, virtually mint)
anyhow, i then ended up wandering up here to try to sort out the tickets for getting to weymouth on the 2nd aug. i dont have the money for that looking at these prices.. gonna have to go to the train station by the look of it to see if i can get one thats less than 60 quid each way... :S if its gonna cost that ill bloody pay the petrol for someone to drive. just checked coach. 10 hours each way £42.50 so yeah thats gonna be an interesting one.

the only other thing i have to report, other than my sister has really short hair now... is that it looks like the albumy type stuff wont be going ahead yet/if at all which is a bummer. due to the pianist/recording equipment owner being unreliable and awol. its a shame cause i wanted to get it done.kinda then defeats the point in writing anythign new.

ack... abbie is so not gonna be happy.

ah well... i think that today im going to just go home and play some guitar... ive left it alone since i got it back and played a little and, to be honest, sucked. i should probably keep up with it specially with my random wonderings this morning as to whether or not trying to attempt to earn some moolah with it would be an avenue worth exploring, after all i have spent close to a grand in equipment, instuments, and music and stuff in order to actually do something worthwhile with this so called skill i have.

wonder how much id get for my flute....

sara