off topic, and a split personality?
compared with the other posts on here, although i envisage those being permalinked on the sidebar when its up to date and then they can be read in order.
this place is also to be a place of the more deep rambles i tend to go on...
the first of which is this....
i think i know why i have so much trouble controlling myself sometimes - that isnt to say that im out of control, or not in control, but im talking about intensity and extremes. my friends all recieved a text message tonight asking them whether or not they thought i was too intense. See... this is going to sound weird, although less so, if previous posts have been read as the idea will become clear... but because of the ways in which i instinctively react to things ive got this big mound of stuff and its constantly there trying to expand, and sometimes its more present than others. Recently its been very present. Not the *most* present it has ever been, but enough to feel it constantly, and for it to manifest itself as an ache (now i know this sounds weird... i dont know if anyone else can imagine this let alone relate...but im not exaggerating or lying.. it does).
I dont know if that is related to anything else im going to say or not, but i wanted to post about it. the thing with that is that the last few day s when ive tried to spend some time with the Lord, the ache has been present, and intensified to the point of distraction and im not sure why... now i can come up with 2 theories just from anywhere, but im not sure whats going on, and anyone who's ever heard me talk about this before wil know that its not just something that can be solved by the obvious answer of "well release the stuff thats locked up in the mound" - im not going to say any more specifically on that at the moment... though if you have any suggestions [give it to God to deal with is not the most helpful advice either.... if you want to know why then ask]
but yeah the other thing i want to post about is that at the moment i seem to have some trouble... im not sure how i managed to get this one to happen but it did... i seem to have two distinct personas. I have the one that is summed up as the "woohoo everything is peachy [dont ask me anyquestions]" persona, and what is left when that is removed.
The first persona is almost a public thing. [at this point i want to be careful of how this sounds because i just realised that if i start talking about being one person in public and another in private it suggests that i have an integrity issue... sopefully i can be clear on this but if not feel free to ask me to clarify things for you]
It appears when im a) workign in some capacity ie, at work, at STOMP, at Uni, and b) in the presence of people i dont know or don't know where i stand with them.
However when im in a situation wiht someone/people i feel comfortable with, that persona is removed, and of late what has been left has been vastly different even opposite of the first... this has led to people being confused... however the other thing is that somehow the endges of the 2 have been blorred a bit- its no longer clear cut black and white.
I KNOW that i shoudnt be in this situation to start wiht... but thats gone and done, and i cant do anythign about it now, but i also dont want to have to hide... I feel like such a hypocrite at times when doing it, and at others, by putting on that mask i do actually become a lot happier - mainly at STOMP and on occasion at work- i dont knwo why otherwise id be on the obvious solution there too... but that was my mini revelation of the evening....
and now i need my sleep.
this place is also to be a place of the more deep rambles i tend to go on...
the first of which is this....
i think i know why i have so much trouble controlling myself sometimes - that isnt to say that im out of control, or not in control, but im talking about intensity and extremes. my friends all recieved a text message tonight asking them whether or not they thought i was too intense. See... this is going to sound weird, although less so, if previous posts have been read as the idea will become clear... but because of the ways in which i instinctively react to things ive got this big mound of stuff and its constantly there trying to expand, and sometimes its more present than others. Recently its been very present. Not the *most* present it has ever been, but enough to feel it constantly, and for it to manifest itself as an ache (now i know this sounds weird... i dont know if anyone else can imagine this let alone relate...but im not exaggerating or lying.. it does).
I dont know if that is related to anything else im going to say or not, but i wanted to post about it. the thing with that is that the last few day s when ive tried to spend some time with the Lord, the ache has been present, and intensified to the point of distraction and im not sure why... now i can come up with 2 theories just from anywhere, but im not sure whats going on, and anyone who's ever heard me talk about this before wil know that its not just something that can be solved by the obvious answer of "well release the stuff thats locked up in the mound" - im not going to say any more specifically on that at the moment... though if you have any suggestions [give it to God to deal with is not the most helpful advice either.... if you want to know why then ask]
but yeah the other thing i want to post about is that at the moment i seem to have some trouble... im not sure how i managed to get this one to happen but it did... i seem to have two distinct personas. I have the one that is summed up as the "woohoo everything is peachy [dont ask me anyquestions]" persona, and what is left when that is removed.
The first persona is almost a public thing. [at this point i want to be careful of how this sounds because i just realised that if i start talking about being one person in public and another in private it suggests that i have an integrity issue... sopefully i can be clear on this but if not feel free to ask me to clarify things for you]
It appears when im a) workign in some capacity ie, at work, at STOMP, at Uni, and b) in the presence of people i dont know or don't know where i stand with them.
However when im in a situation wiht someone/people i feel comfortable with, that persona is removed, and of late what has been left has been vastly different even opposite of the first... this has led to people being confused... however the other thing is that somehow the endges of the 2 have been blorred a bit- its no longer clear cut black and white.
I KNOW that i shoudnt be in this situation to start wiht... but thats gone and done, and i cant do anythign about it now, but i also dont want to have to hide... I feel like such a hypocrite at times when doing it, and at others, by putting on that mask i do actually become a lot happier - mainly at STOMP and on occasion at work- i dont knwo why otherwise id be on the obvious solution there too... but that was my mini revelation of the evening....
and now i need my sleep.
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