the sixth-form saga
I started Tapton, and I found a group of people to hang around with but I didn’t really fit in with them… I was the outsider. A position I was used to, but it just wasn’t quite right… I went back to being silent, something id stopped during the middle of Y11.
There were only 5 of us from meadowhead at tapton. 2 I didn’t know at all, simeon, who went to Kings centre as well, and I'd actually known for a long time, but we only became friends in Y11, and Richard Mc Beath, a genius, who was a little pissed at me, because music was the only subject he wasn’t top of the class in… he got 95% and I got 98% in our GCSE… but other than that, we got on okay. All of these people however, were'nt the kind who would deliberately stir up trouble for me, so i felt safe in the knowledge that in that sense i would be safe, and people would be free to make up their own mind about me without external influence of pressure.
It was around this point that i first met Scott, Ed and Chris.
I wont tell the whole story here, as i can see some people getting quite upset if they ever read this, especially as this would be my own interpretation of the events that occurred and obviously they would be unable to give their own version of events. Some of it however is relevant. These things will be included. All i need say is that there was a relationship square at work for a while.
It didn’t help that my parents and I were arguing a lot by this point. Mainly over my sister. They were really upset that she was being bullied – I was convinced she was being bullied because she was my sister, which to an extent she was… , and they were annoyed that I wouldn’t go and beat the crap out of them, which there were two main reasons. One, I was a christian now, and that would have been wrong. Two, if I did do that, the people teasing my sister would have told their siblings, who would have killed me. An overexaggeration perhaps? No. these are the same siblings who by now had progressed from knives and steel toe capped boots to high velocity sniper rifles and petrol cans. We moved house at the start of Y10 and three months after, I spotted them all congregating on the balcony of the maisonettes across the small field off the end of the back garden. Three days later I had bullet holes in my window where my head would have been if I had not gone to the loo when I did. Analysis showed the rifles were the weapons used.
Consequently I spent tho whole of sixth form armed.nothing illegal , just damaging. This followed that plus several incidents of being followed by these guys at night, once across sheffield on the bus, which ended upi with me texting my dad and asking him to meet me at the bus stop explaining why [I’d learned to fight at this point and was quite capable of taking on three people defensively unless knives were involved] and my dad realising the seriousness of what I was saying went down to the pub and gathered an armed mob of around 20 people who went and armed themselved with knuckledusters and the like. I was actually more scared of them than the mob in the end…. Luckily nothing kicked off. I did however, get the reputation of being a 'hard as nails' type person, and a lot of people i think were not too happy about associating with me in that sense but i didn't really mind that. I had no time for a social life, as my days were long. Having to be in for 9am every morning meant leaving my house at 7.30am so i was up at 6 and more often than not id get in around midnight.
From this point it’s a lot harder to tell chronologically… things become more subjective, and less distanced.
In terms of church, I got involved with STOMP, and was immediately thrown in at the deepend with the Park Hill guys. These kids I could relate to, cause in a lot of ways I was the same, had similar experiences and had the same reactions as them. But it was also in STOMP that I began to learn. As it went on, I began to realise that I really did believe what I said about God, and that there was hope. I just couldn’t accept that for myself, even though it was true for everyone else. I still was unable to feel, and I was gradually beginning to come to a point where I wanted to. But I wanted to feel the good things, I wanted to experience love, and kindness, but I didn’nt want to let everyhting that id shoved down for so long out either. But that isnt possible. I tried my hardest to make it possible but ive come to the conclusion that it isnt.
Back to sixth form. It is now no secret that sixth form was where i first encountered feelings of more than friendship. Word soon got around that i liked Chris. This was true, but i wasn't too happy that everyone knew, specially him. In the end, a messy end, we established that we would not be pursuing a relationship, and it was at this point that i made the mistake of being totally irrational. I don't know if this was possible but i went on the rebound. After the complete and utter rejection in the worst possible way from Chris, i walked into the arms of scott. Also on the rebound from having dumped/being dumped. I never found out which.
Honestly i knew it was a mistake very quickly, and so did a lot of other people, but i was actually so annoyed that all of these people who had completely ignored me for several months suddenly felt it was their business to tell me what i was doing wrong- this only served to accelerate things, and after some very public arguments between a lot of people we were eventually left alone. Scott and I went out for 15months i think in the end, and my parents i think thought that we'd get married. I had no such ideas. That i think was the problem. We'd even had a conversation about the future, and i said that i didnt see us getting married or going any further, and i'd been hoping that him coming into the knowledge of that would be the opportunity i wanted to end it, as i felt really bad as it was for going out with him, but i didnt want to hurt him. He had been diagnosed with M.E around the time we started going out, and having seen the effects of it on my best friend Abbie, i didnt want to put him into a situation that could potentially destroy him (that sounds very up myself, but by that i mean that stress causes big problems in M.E at times, and can make the condition a lot worse, and i didnt want to risk that)
Anyhow, the end of the story is that we did indeed split up. Scott tried to take things too far, on more than one occasion, despite my telling him no, and having supposedly established boundaries. The final straw came when he tried it on while i was asleep. I declared us 'on a break' as i was angry at him and didnt want to do anything hasty, and after a few weeks we split up.
In January of my first year i became ill for the first time. I was told that it was a virus, and the symptoms i had couldn't necessarily be treated effetively, so i just had to get lots of rest, and not get too stressed. As a result i dropped my chemistry A level. A big mistake, as in hindsight i should have dropped maths, but dropping chem meant that i could spent the resultant free lessons with Chris and Ed, who were fast becoming something approaching friends.
Then came the interesting points. At the start of my second year i was diagnosed with acute tendinitis in both wrists, leaving me unable to do very much whatsoever. My upcoming grade 8 flute exam was off the cards as i wasnt allowed to use my hands for 6 weeks at the least. This made my lessons quite interesting as i couldnt write, and music was proving problematic, As a result, i ended up having to perform my recital on voice, which is allowed but doesnt carry as much weight as a “proper instrument” so it was an uphill climb.
In the end, none of it mattered as my recital was lost, and the resulting stress and short notice meant that it was redone, very badly as i had hay fever, and sent off to the exam board on the last possible day, which screwed uip my results. My physics results were also screwed around with as part of the notorious AS/A Levels scandal.
All of this in turn meant that sixth form hadnt been the success i had hoped it would be. My estimated ABB became a CCD, and it was looking very unlikely that i would be going to uni.... which until then had been the plan....
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home